Predictions made on April 1, 2020
1. Open on Sunday
Hell will freeze over and Chick-fil-A will transition to being open on Sundays. Dining rooms will be phased out at most restaurants nation-wide. Buffets will be a thing of the past. Goodbye Golden Corral.
2. The Last of the Furious
The Fast and Furious movie series will sadly die because nobody cares about cars anymore. Movie theaters will be permanently closed. The silver lining is that MTV Cribs will make a comeback and Carpool Karaoke transitioned to Living Room Karaoke.
3. Fine Print
A new “health and sanitization fee” will be added to your concert tickets, hotel rooms, and rental cars. No one will know who gets the money or where it goes. Fortunately, all Post Malone concerts will be rescheduled for 2021. We miss you Posty!
4. Shake It Off
Shaking hands will be considered a rude gesture. “Sorry I don’t shake hands,” will be a common phrase you’ll start to hear at business meetings. Winking will no longer be viewed as creepy. Surgical masks will be part of our daily work wardrobe. There will be a million Zoom video meeting etiquette blog posts written.
5. No Room In the Inn
Hospitals will have no space for the millions of women giving birth in December. There will be a major diaper shortage. Get stocked up now. Still looking? Walmart will be the future of dating. Target the future of rich dating.
6. Hanging Chads
There will be no presidential debates. Voting will only be done via online or mail, but chaos will ensue when foreign actors compromise our election system. No one will be surprised if the Supreme Court has to get involved. It will be a total cluster. Womp womp.
7. Wrist or Forehead?
Chip implants will be mandatory for all Americans. They will be used for population tracking, healthcare, and financial regulation. It’s not a matter of if, but when. Don’t believe it? Here’s links to real news stories right now:
Mandatory vaccines are also coming soon. Side effects TBD. Healthcare will be socialized in the coming years. Good night and good luck.
Any Good News?
Yes, Betty White will survive and continue to thrive.
*These are only predictions. There is a tension right now between positive thinking and accepting an inevitable future. Hopefully, we get a drug to treat the virus and a vaccine to prevent it and life returns to normal. Leave a comment with any predictions you have for 2020.